drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
