Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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