So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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