Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
