Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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