There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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