Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
