One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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