I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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