So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
