I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think I died a long time ago.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize