she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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