I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
