How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
