who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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