Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
