her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
