her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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