Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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