theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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