3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
