I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
