literally had 100 drinks last night.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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