How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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