Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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