Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
