There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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