I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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