how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
