you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
whose parrot is this?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
