i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize