the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
