Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
