im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
