so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize