I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
this is an emotional support booty call
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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