why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
