Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
