Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
