i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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