and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
