I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
