every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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