Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
