I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
