clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
