In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
