a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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