our cab driver is having phone sex.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
