he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize