1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Umm I'm too high to move.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
