Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The air was thick with penises
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
