they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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