last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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