you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
